I'm working. By 11:00 am, I had been working but had already spent far too much time on the internet. Dr. Wong walked out to talk to me and I clicked off the game I was playing. He didn't see it. I felt guilty and likely was acting a little bit closed off. If I weren't playing a game instead of working, I would have felt and acted more open, honest, confident and comfortable, thus strengthening our relationship. I decided to cut myself off entirely from personal internet use for the day. I'm working, but something inside me doesn't feel right, like an addict, it feels wrong to be without it. It's 11:30 right now. I'm going to get through the next five and a half hours with out it. I like my work when I'm doing it. I don't know why I avoid it so much.
I'm trying, but I feel stupid half the time, and I don't like that. I feel like I have to keep trying so that I work through the stupid. And it's likely that I'm not perceived as stupid by anyone but myself; I think that I am my harshest critic. I do love myself. How will I convince myself of that? Do I need to remind myself that I'm okay, worthy of my own love?
Sometimes I feel like I've come so far and sometimes I feel like I still have so far left to go and wonder if I'll ever get where I want to be.
Spent about an hour moving my computer and "cleaning" my office today. Only touched about ten percent of the mess. So much paperwork, some of it unfinished tasks, much of it garbage. Filth and cluttered mess under my desk. Ugh. So much to do, in addition to the day to day tasks and projects. I did some of it today. That's better than doing none of it today.
End of day. I spent five and a half hours away from the internet today. Got some work done. Accomplishment!