Friday, June 26, 2009

11:35am
I'm working. By 11:00 am, I had been working but had already spent far too much time on the internet. Dr. Wong walked out to talk to me and I clicked off the game I was playing. He didn't see it. I felt guilty and likely was acting a little bit closed off. If I weren't playing a game instead of working, I would have felt and acted more open, honest, confident and comfortable, thus strengthening our relationship. I decided to cut myself off entirely from personal internet use for the day. I'm working, but something inside me doesn't feel right, like an addict, it feels wrong to be without it. It's 11:30 right now. I'm going to get through the next five and a half hours with out it. I like my work when I'm doing it. I don't know why I avoid it so much.

12:51pm
I'm trying, but I feel stupid half the time, and I don't like that. I feel like I have to keep trying so that I work through the stupid. And it's likely that I'm not perceived as stupid by anyone but myself; I think that I am my harshest critic. I do love myself. How will I convince myself of that? Do I need to remind myself that I'm okay, worthy of my own love?
Sometimes I feel like I've come so far and sometimes I feel like I still have so far left to go and wonder if I'll ever get where I want to be.

1:59pm
Spent about an hour moving my computer and "cleaning" my office today. Only touched about ten percent of the mess. So much paperwork, some of it unfinished tasks, much of it garbage. Filth and cluttered mess under my desk. Ugh. So much to do, in addition to the day to day tasks and projects. I did some of it today. That's better than doing none of it today.

End of day. I spent five and a half hours away from the internet today. Got some work done. Accomplishment!

Screwing around at work...

My job is very important to me. I'm good at it, I enjoy it, and it's the avenue that's going to take me where I want to go, provided I work hard. Why then do I find it so hard to focus on the job and just do it? I spend my day checking my Facebook, Hotmail, MySpace pages just to avoid working. I want to do well, I really do. This is the same conundrum that has held me back for years. Every day I say to myself "This is it. Today's the day that I'm going to kick ass at work." Sometime it works for a day or an hour. I'm constantly looking for news tricks, new ways to motivate myself. It gets better... Slowly... But I'm still not a good enough employee... I just don't work hard enough. Because of this, I'm always wondering what my co-workers are thinking of me. Do they have any idea? Are the judging me? Upset with me? Chances are the answer is no, but that doesn't stop my imagination from conjuring up their disdain and anger. Okay. I'm going to go back to work. I have to pee, but I'm going to try to work consistently from now (2:09) to 2:30 before I even think about gettin up from my desk.