Sharing Who I Am

I want… a safe place with a person. I want someone to share all of my secrets, fears, inhibitions and aspirations with. I have that in a couple of my girlfriends, but I want that in my significant other… What I have previously done in my relationships is keep all that to myself. I’m just too shy to share it. As a result, I end up being in relationships with strangers – that is, we never get past the preliminary likes/dislikes, values, etc. Relationships like this are unfulfilling and short-lived.

IF by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you but make allowance for their doubting too,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, or being lied about, don't deal in lies, or being hated, don't give way to hating, and yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,

If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, and stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, and lose, and start again at your beginnings and never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew to serve your turn long after they are gone, and so hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much,

If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds' worth of distance run, yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, and--which is more--you'll be a man, my son!

Plan for My Life

As of July 20, 2009

Finances
Pay off IRS
Pay off Sacramento County
Pay off Tehama County
Pay off Colusa County
Get driver’s license; buy a car
Build good credit history
Build a nest egg

Education
HS Diploma from San Juan/Winterstein
Transfer Degree in Animal Science from Cosumnes River College
BS Degree in Animal Science from UC Davis

Career
Pursue my career with the University of California; at some point in the future, transfer to the Animal Science Department at the University; build a successful horse (training??) business. Retire from UC.

Once I have the car, I’ll spend time taking road trips to the surrounding areas to find out what I like and where I want to live. I will work hard and be true to myself and will meet a man that I love and respect to be my husband and the father of my children.

Ultimate goal:

House in the country filled with family and a barn on the property filled with horses; a successful horse (training??) business.

July 15, 2009

The things I did today… As usual, I slept in as long as I possibly could and only got up in time to jump up, rush through my morning routine, and run out the door with wet hair to catch the bus. The weird guy wasn’t on the bus this morning, thank God. That’s a whole ‘nother story… I did work today, though! I wasn’t a hundred percent, but I was a lot better than I have been… Instead of returning to the Internet, I returned to my work. Which today happened to be travel plans. For some reason, it took me the whole day to do. I’ve been collecting every box that I see in my building at work, so when Marie – my manager who also happens to be in the process of moving – came into my office to talk to me, she stopped mid-sentence and started laughing at the pile of boxes that had just about consumed my work space. Laura had a class at the hospital today that let out just as I was getting off work, so she came by my office to take me and the boxes home. We haven’t started packing, but we do have boxes. That’s something, right? We got home and got in each other’s way while she did dishes and made her hot dog/crescent rolls and I started my spaghetti. The spaghetti took an hour to make. While the sauce was simmering and the water for the pasta was trying to boil, I potted one of my new plants so that I can take it to work tomorrow and played a little ball with Lucy. That’s about all my beautiful puppy got from me tonight; I stayed on the couch too long watching Will & Grace and never made it out the front door. Poor dog. Oh, well. She got a walk last night, and she’ll likely get one tomorrow. Here I am at 9:40, an hour and twenty minutes before my self-appointed bedtime, tired, and with nothing good on TV. Not even anything good recorded. I have a little bit of Julie & Julia to finish. I may read the rest of that. Chances are, I’ll lounge for the next hour or so, maybe longer, and then stumble to bed, having only expended enough energy to throw on something comfortable which will likely come from the dirty clothes pile. At least I’ve already started the pot of coffee for tomorrow morning…

The Project July 14, 2009

I’m reading this book. It’s called Julie & Julia… True story. Julie Powell was an unemployed temp secretary, getting ready to turn 30, unemployed, and felt she had never accomplished anything in her life. Kinda like me. Not quite, but there are certainly similarities. She gets this idea one day that she’s going to cook every single book in Julia Childs’ Master the Art of French Cooking, which I believe was published in 1967, and she’s going to do this in one year. Meanwhile, she’s going to write a blog about it. This was in 2002 when blogs weren’t quite so prevalent as they are today. She’s not a great cook; this is just something to do. And she does it. It was all consuming for a year. It changed her life. She is now a writer.

I’m a 30-year-old secretary. An Administrative Assistant, actually. And truth be told, there is unlimited potential in my current position. I have a plan, and it includes staying with my employer for the next 30 years or so. The problem is, while I love my job, and look forward to a happy and successful future, I am a giant slacker. Every day is going to be the day that I dig my head out of my ass and get to work. Yeah, that doesn’t usually happen. What usually happens is that I spend all day procrastinating on the Internet and finishing a miniscule amount of work. How I haven’t been found out, I don’t know. I’m good at my job. I enjoy it. I just stand in my own way. I don’t know why I do this. Anyway, life is kinda like that, too. I could do, and be, and have so much more. If only. S

So, I think that I want to follow Julie’s lead and do something crazy and all consuming and life changing. I had the idea that I would make myself write every day, but I don’t think that’s really the same thing. That’s something that I can very easily procrastinate doing until I eventually abandon the idea altogether.

I went to a Toastmasters meeting tonight. It’s an organization that is supposed to develop public speaking and communication skills. It’s something that I really think will help me on this journey to be who I want to be. I’ve been meaning to go since I started my job four months ago, but in true Aymes fashion, I procrastinated. I almost didn’t go tonight. I hadn’t eaten very much today; I was starving and a little shaky (I have Hypoglycemia, which means I need to eat often or I’ll feel sick and likely chew someone’s head off). I was going to use that as an excuse not to go. I had a snack and went anyway. I’m really happy that I did. I’m thinking it may be my project.

I commit (to myself – who else is there to commit to?) to going as often as humanly possible to every weekly meeting for the next year. I’ll permit myself to miss for vacations and such.
I write something – anything – every day that is humanly possible for the next year. I’ll permit myself to miss for vacations and such.

It should be over just before my 32nd (oh-my-freaking-god 32?) birthday, and I should have made tons of progress by then.

My concern is that it’ll be too easy to flake on myself. It’s not too late. I could do something else – but what?

One more thing. I did something else today – besides getting my lazy butt to the Toastmasters meeting – that I’m proud of. Laura – that’s my roommate – wanted to buy this ugly, uncomfortable, cheapo couch at Ikea for our new house. I told her I hated it. Totally not like me. I would typically just bite my tongue and feel bitterness, but this time, I didn’t do that. I communicated my feelings. And the sky didn’t fall. Phew.
One more thing. My writing doesn’t have to be perfect, make sense, or be entertaining. It’s just for me. To express myself. To make sense of myself. To start writing, which I’ve wanted to do for a very long time.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I’m feeling deserted today. So far, nobody at all is interested in going to the Folsom Rodeo with me this weekend… Nobody. I’m pretty much on my own this Fourth of July weekend. Bryce hasn’t cancelled for the Beilejeski Bash on Friday yet, but I have a feeling she will…

Every time I’m e-mailing with a friend of mine, the second I say that I don’t have a car, they disappear. What the ^&* is so wrong with not owning a car? I’m being financially responsible; saving now so that I can be comfortable later. Many of these people are financially struggling right now… But they have a car. Does that make them better than me? Hell no. In the long run, I’m going to be the one who is better off financially. I’m lonely.

Friday, June 26, 2009

11:35am
I'm working. By 11:00 am, I had been working but had already spent far too much time on the internet. Dr. Wong walked out to talk to me and I clicked off the game I was playing. He didn't see it. I felt guilty and likely was acting a little bit closed off. If I weren't playing a game instead of working, I would have felt and acted more open, honest, confident and comfortable, thus strengthening our relationship. I decided to cut myself off entirely from personal internet use for the day. I'm working, but something inside me doesn't feel right, like an addict, it feels wrong to be without it. It's 11:30 right now. I'm going to get through the next five and a half hours with out it. I like my work when I'm doing it. I don't know why I avoid it so much.

12:51pm
I'm trying, but I feel stupid half the time, and I don't like that. I feel like I have to keep trying so that I work through the stupid. And it's likely that I'm not perceived as stupid by anyone but myself; I think that I am my harshest critic. I do love myself. How will I convince myself of that? Do I need to remind myself that I'm okay, worthy of my own love?
Sometimes I feel like I've come so far and sometimes I feel like I still have so far left to go and wonder if I'll ever get where I want to be.

1:59pm
Spent about an hour moving my computer and "cleaning" my office today. Only touched about ten percent of the mess. So much paperwork, some of it unfinished tasks, much of it garbage. Filth and cluttered mess under my desk. Ugh. So much to do, in addition to the day to day tasks and projects. I did some of it today. That's better than doing none of it today.

End of day. I spent five and a half hours away from the internet today. Got some work done. Accomplishment!

Screwing around at work...

My job is very important to me. I'm good at it, I enjoy it, and it's the avenue that's going to take me where I want to go, provided I work hard. Why then do I find it so hard to focus on the job and just do it? I spend my day checking my Facebook, Hotmail, MySpace pages just to avoid working. I want to do well, I really do. This is the same conundrum that has held me back for years. Every day I say to myself "This is it. Today's the day that I'm going to kick ass at work." Sometime it works for a day or an hour. I'm constantly looking for news tricks, new ways to motivate myself. It gets better... Slowly... But I'm still not a good enough employee... I just don't work hard enough. Because of this, I'm always wondering what my co-workers are thinking of me. Do they have any idea? Are the judging me? Upset with me? Chances are the answer is no, but that doesn't stop my imagination from conjuring up their disdain and anger. Okay. I'm going to go back to work. I have to pee, but I'm going to try to work consistently from now (2:09) to 2:30 before I even think about gettin up from my desk.